My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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