did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
