Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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