You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
