afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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