Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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