You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
