so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
