i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
