gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
