i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
