He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize