The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
