I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
