Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just pee around me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
