Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
