This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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