girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
