Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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