someone threw a dead crab at me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
