I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
