Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
