So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
