Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
