guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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