This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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