I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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