please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
