so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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