i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize