We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
