Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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