I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
