The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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