Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
