My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
