dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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