i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
