Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
