I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
