Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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