At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
