I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
