and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
