Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize