Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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