I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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