it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
