Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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