I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize