I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
