Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
