i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
