Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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