i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
