Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
