Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you will always have a special place in my vag
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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