I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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