You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The police scanner is talking about you again....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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