Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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