im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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